Jesse Cortez


Felipe de Jesus de San Benito de Texas Cortez wasted his youth playing video games (U,U,D,D,L,R,L,R,B,A,Start, baby) and watching his grandmother strangle chickens with injurious intent. The sheer cathartic power of these simple acts convinced him to pursue a career in show business. Unfortunately, the market for spontaneous song and dance acts was somewhat saturated in small town south Texas, leading Jesse to leave with a Nintendo® brand satchel and a tear in his eye for the bustling metropolis of Houston. He obtained a minor job functionalizing carbon nanotubes (don’t tell Simmons!) with Prof. Wilbur Billups. Alas, the sordid life upon the golden stage was over before he knew it, and Jesse was forced to move yet again to avoid his growing debt, the crippling social responsibility granted by having a B.S. in Chemistry, and the constant threat of assault by rabid floozies. Thus, Jesse screwed up his courage and in a last ditch attempt to become the next Selena (though 1. he’s a dude and 2. would rather not be associated in any way with J Lo) he moved to the left coast to bring the percentage of Texans (and thereby gun-totin’, truck-drivin’, country-music-toleratin’) in the Sarpong Group up to 30.77 ± 5 %. If you listen closely, Jesse can be heard dutifully practicing musical numbers by candlelight after Richmond departs for the night, showing us that we can all achieve our dreams if we play enough Final Fantasy VII.



Contact Information

Email: fcortez at calmail dot berkeley dot edu