Felipe de Jesus de San Benito de Texas Cortez wasted his youth playing
video games (U,U,D,D,L,R,L,R,B,A,Start, baby) and watching his grandmother
strangle chickens with injurious intent. The sheer cathartic power of
these simple acts convinced him to pursue a career in show business.
Unfortunately, the market for spontaneous song and dance acts was somewhat
saturated in small town south Texas, leading Jesse to leave with a
Nintendo® brand satchel and a tear in his eye for the bustling metropolis
of Houston. He obtained a minor job functionalizing carbon nanotubes
(don’t tell Simmons!) with Prof. Wilbur Billups.
Alas, the sordid life upon the golden
stage was over before he knew it, and Jesse was forced to move yet again
to avoid his growing debt, the crippling social responsibility granted by
having a B.S. in Chemistry, and the constant threat of assault by rabid
floozies. Thus, Jesse screwed up his courage and in a last ditch attempt
to become the next Selena (though 1. he’s a dude and 2. would rather not
be associated in any way with J Lo) he moved to the left coast to bring
the percentage of Texans (and thereby gun-totin’, truck-drivin’,
country-music-toleratin’) in the Sarpong Group up to 30.77 ± 5 %. If you
listen closely, Jesse can be heard dutifully practicing musical numbers by
candlelight after Richmond departs for the night, showing us that we can
all achieve our dreams if we play enough Final Fantasy VII.
Email: fcortez at calmail dot berkeley dot edu